fiction

Thank you, Mark Stewart and ecthros for your encouraging words in the comments to my previous entry of self-annihilation.. In afterthought, I do guess one learns one's entire life (at least that's what I hear..) and this justifies opinion-making even at my early stage of learning.

Also, I realise that I probably cannot do without writing here as this space gives me opportunity to formulate thoughts that would otherwise just be absurd fragments in my mind when never forced into a (more or less) systematic exposition.

Another effect of formulating thoughts (especially when dealing with frustrations) is that I force myself to rationally face the facts of the reasons for my emotional outbursts. Its in this situation I often realise that I am not entirely justified in feeling as strongly as I do. Even though I try to advocate the idea of importance of validating the reasons that bring about strong feelings even though seemingly trivial as opposed to an overly 'humble' attitude of always thinking oneself is in the wrong and not wanting or daring to trouble others with one's own "probably insignificant" feelings.

Sooo, after having justified my online existence.. I had a small realisation and although its imbecile, really, I'll write it.

I used to read quite alot until the end of high school / college (pre-uni...) where I got so fed up with books. I've started reading some again (fiction, I mean) and I find myself getting so 'into' the story that I relate to and compare myself with the characters in which case I always find myself lacking their quick wit and ability to say all the significant things in everyday phrases. I've been thinking like this alot and found that I've had a tendency to 'choose' my friends accordingly - those who understand that 'layer of subtleties' are the ones I usually get along with (among other things as well, of course).

Until it struck me recently how moronic this way of thinking is that only causes me to regard 99.9% of the people around me negatively. Why isolate myself?! I simply realised that the author of the books (ie. the creator of the characters) had probably spent a long time formulating those lines compared to how long I have to mull over everything I say before I say it. Its like only ever reading poetry and therefore isolating oneself to only relating properly to people who can formulate themselves like Robert Frost in an sms while driving their car!

So now I'm having to re-learn some basic principles when relating to... people.

talk less, learn more!

Doubting that anyone has been enduring enough to check and re-check my blog, and that therefore no one will read this, I write this anyway: my explanation (bordering on an apology) (first and foremostly to myself, I think).

As my theology courses at the University of Aarhus continue, I realise the futility of many of my words. Its been said that knowledge only proceeds more questions, ie. greater awareness of the doors yet unopened.

What I'm saying is that, in order to save myself embarrasement to myself later, I will try to talk less and learn more. [smile]

a theologian's job_description

It thrills the heart of a theology student to read this weekend's edition of probably to most intellectual and socially analytical Danish newspaper, Weekendavisen [directly translated: the weekend-newspaper], as three of the major articles are about the renaissance of religion in European society and politics. The basis for two of the three articles is the well-known issue of the large and increasing immigration of Muslims to Europe and the resulting cultural change of such a large minority, while the point of reference of the third article is the much debated speech of the Pope in his former university of Regensburg. The common ground then of the three articles is the clash of cultures, European and Muslim.

The articles all express the growing need for western societies to be aware of their identity, but this is a grave problem as the cultural key-word in the European mind is individualism. No longer do we define ourselves in terms of our context, family, city, country and religion, but rather we define ourselves solely as ourselves. A rather symptomatic example of this is the story of Sheila, who said she believed in the supernatural but wouldn't confine herself to one religion and instead just declared that she believed in 'Sheilanism.' Or when one of the Danish ministers was interviewed a couple of years ago saying, "The trouble with society nowadays is that as soon as you give people another privilege, you cannot take it away again. People instantly claim it as a right." We are no longer commited to the welfare of our group but we have become egocentric and primarily eager to fend for our own individual welfare.

This is largely, if not entirely, due to the secularisation of the average Joe. For years it has been commonly regarded as a personal weakness, a breach of character, to confess oneself believing in anything supernatural. "We were taught that religion was but an embarrassing left-over from the infancy of humanity that would disappear as we grew more modern, free and enlightened. But we had to think again: the public sphere is now so pervaded with religion that [atheistic philosophers] are talking of a "post-secular society."

Yes, times are changing, the pendulum swinging back, and as Weekendavisen puts it,
"secularisation has proved morally bankrupt: ... while the bloddy, confessionally charged Thirty Years War from 1618-1648 made Europeans see the wisdom in seperating the church and the state, so the ungodly 20th century, the epoch of fascism and communism, has made us painfully aware of the danger in completely expelling religion from politics: the result was totalitarian, political substitutions for religion and a fatal elevation to godliness of the undiluted power of a state that is not accountable to anyone but itself."

The point is that people cannot define or understand themselves without absolutes. And tieing up the boat again, that is part of the job-description of a theologian in a "post-secular" age.

See Weekendavisen.dk articles, "Det famlende Europa", "Klokkerne ringer" and "Kristenheden eller Europa". All in Danish, of course.

zeitgeist

In Danish we have a wonderful word, "ildsjæl." Its actually two words as you can in Danish almost freely combine words to fit your meaning. As said, two words combined: "ild" and "sjæl." The first means 'fire' and the second, 'soul.' So, 'fire-soul.'

This stated to drive the point that I am not one of these. (Oh yes, 'fire-soul' is used descriptively for persons.) I realised tonight that I do not really have a passion - for anything. Well, this is slightly exaggerated; my girlfriend has the ability to create a storm and so does my family, but nothing else really.

I wish I was passionate beyond belief about something. Music, the Trinity, swimming, reading, knowing, seeing or 'just' an avid fan of a football team! But all of these are merely in category with so many other things that I enjoy placidly when the mood catches me. I am not obsessed. I am not compelled by.. what? mood? recognition? proving myself to myself? self-discipline? love? need?

No, what I am compelled by is 'ought'. I feel very deeply that I ought to 'realise myself' and fulfill my potential. I need to do this for myself or I'll look back in 60 years and regret not driving myself to the max. But where does this feeling originate from?

I am not under the impression that anyone living a century ago would have thought these things. None of the old litterature implies one having to stretch one's arms as far as they could go so one could actually know how far one's arms could go. It'd take up too much space and be a waste of effort. In contrast, I've been exhorted all my life to constantly and diligently exercise the joints in my upper body with the explicit purpose to give myself maximum arm span. I probably won't ever span as far as John Mayer, Bruce Cockburn or even Gavin Degraw, but "its okay, I did my best."

Not okay.

Living my life to try to run as hard and far as I can in just any direction won't do. Like the rest of humanity throughout all centuries, I need direction first and foremost. After that, I'll do what I can to go somewhere and get something done.

Running for the sake of running is not a timeless Truth. Its a current fashion that's only been regarded as 'the way to go' for less than 1% of the time man has been civilised. That's not exactly standing the test of time.

So I don't wan't to believe I am at the center of the universe. I'm to bloody insignificant. -and yes, that's a very, very good thing.

To Montreal

My deepest, deepest condolences to Montreal and the rest of Canada! As I read the articles I cannot but imagine the scene against the backdrop of my university. May you numerous victims and the families of the two deceased find peace again.

I join my voice to the choir of prayer and thoughts that sounds around the world for you.

At Uni

I have started studying Theology at the University of Aarhus - the second largest University of Denmark. In fact, I am in the auditorium now, having time to jot this down because there's a debate about the two natures of Christ (man or God?) going on which is non-essential.

Fascinating, isn't it?! Half a year ago I would have travelled to the other side of the country and paid an entrance fee to attend such a lecture (its about the church fathers, really, but this debate is drawing out because of an adamant student) but now I'm actually getting paid by the Danish government to study this!

And I mustn't fail to tell you of how beautiful the facilities are here: coffee kitcen placed very central where anyone can keep their mug and jar of instant coffee and make coffee whenever. -so right now, there's a steaming cuppa beside me. There's wi-fi everywhere of course (although they haven't given me my access code yet) and the whole building is from... its new anyway!

I like this.

churches like business?

I find myself very, very tired these days. Not because of lack of sleep but rather because I'm spiritually exhausted.

I made the 'mistake' of re-initiating contact with the big guy upstairs and I don't think he's letting me back out on him again - however absurd that might sound to many. I can't get away from my faith anyhow, but I also cannot 'give in' to it. Precisely because it would be 'giving in'! I have some notion that to become a christian again (in the original meaning of the word) would be to come crawling back and to humiliate (not just humble) myself in front of all the people I left with a proud heart, head held high because I refused to give in to their theology that hinges on too many cultural fashions.

Is it not possible to be in a vivant relationship with God without succumbing to christian trends, always being the first to learn the newest songs from the biggest christian artists? Without having to be the worshipper who jumps around the most during a worship session (jam-packed with drum- and guitar solos, unbelievably energetic choir voices and catchy intro's)? Is it possible to surround oneself in a christian gathering that is run more like a proficient company rather than a social club?

Okay okay, I'm 'bitching' but why can't one complain if one doesn't agree? As long as the complainers don't starting working against the boss(es), it should be alright to complain.

Yes, more like the business world! Or am I wrong? What am I missing?

the denmark I love

As I am a smoker who can't smoke indoors, I am 'confined' every evening to 6-7 minutes on the sidewalk in front of the place where I live. However, this provides for me a beautiful moment to stop and think about the day, a break before I sleep, instead of filling my head with trivial activities until I'm in my bed. More often than not I come back in with a new song idea in my head or sometimes a new post for this blog. Tonight, though, I came in with a light heart because of the rain.

Yes, its raining in Denmark in sharp contrast to the heat wave that has swept over most of Europe the last month. For a couple of days, my country has turned back into the country I love with fresh, cool air, a bare minimum of insect activity (particularly flying ones) and quiet streets providing solitude for the ones with crowded minds and hearts.

On another such lonely, chilly night a couple of weeks ago, I put on my winter coat to go buy milk and all of a sudden I missed tucking the coat around me to keep the wind from sneaking in and the way keys, wallet, cigs and my mobile each had a pocket designated according to factors such as accessibility, size and fit of pocket (to prevent rattling and bulging), priority and frequency of use. How wonderful it is to live in a country that provides so many excuses to wear such a coat!

Denmark is a comfortable, user-friendly safe haven, where one can simply relax and enjoy the above-average asphalt under the tires of one's eco-friendly bicycle without necessarily breaking sweat for not wasting resources on gas or public transportation.

hitch hiking until..

I'm in Rome at the moment. We're moving on to Napoli tonight, so yeah, we're just going around Italy at the moment. Hitch hiking's supposed to be really hard here, but we don't actually know.

The trip started out fine. Filip's older brother dropped us off at the freeway and I didn't even finish writing "South" on the cardboard sign when someone saw Filip's thumb and curly, blonde hair. It was a Danish family going down to shop south of the border (common in Dk) and they just set us off there - far from the freeway though! So we were quite stuck at the biggest Danish shopping place in Germany. Funny thing happened: my (yes, Nili, she's my 'new') girlfriend was headed south with her family AND stopping to shop where we were at. So after basking in the sun (on the sidewalk) for some hours, they took us a couple of hours down into Germany. From there we slept behind the 'Rasthof's (gas-stops along the freeway) for two nights. The last Rasthof we got stuck for almost a full day because we'd apparently made it down a slightly inconvenient freeway just north of Freiburg, when considering we were trying to get to Southern France. In addition Filip got sick with headaches and puking and so on. I was quite sore myself from sleeping on the ground so spirits weren't high. Eventually we just took a ride with a business man (who bore striking resemblance to Al Pacino in Scarface and even smoked cigars branded 'Al Capone' the whole way) to Zurich, Switzerland. We stayed a night, watched the semi-finals of the World Cup and concluded that we'd started down a path of no return, bought EuroRail tickets (not cheap, mind you!) said goodbye to our newfound American friends (there are Americans EVERYwhere!) and took the night-train to Milano, then Florence (looked around here) on to Pisa, Livorno and Campigliari and then a bus to the small coastal town of Piombino from which a ferry took us to the incredibly scenic island of Elba - where my girlfriend was holidaying with her family and some friends! smiiiile

But we went on to Rome and are here now. The Sixteenth Chapel closed right in our faces so we're disappointed and sad. We've spent waaay too much money sleeping in hostels, eating out and buying water which annoys me. Our good experience last night, though, when we were in Circo Massimo (Rome's old race-track) with at least 30.000 other people to watch Italy win the World Cup! THAT was nuts.. nuts..

Anyway, I wanna go home but Filip reeeally wants to go to Napoli to see Vesuvia and Pompeii.. I guess I'll go along to monitor costs and luxurious expenditure. We've decided to sleep at train stations the rest of the time and buy canned food etc etc..

Okay, time's up here. Sorry its messy and stuff, but.. but.. who cares?! smile

vacation's here

Just a quick note to say the following:

Thank you to you who continue to read my blog despite my only very sporadic postings. I'm going on vacation now - hitch hiking around Europe for 2 weeks!! [smile] I'm going with a very good friend of mine with whom I've hitch hiked twice before. If I find a good internet café, I'll be sure to drop a note in here about where we are etc etc.. -yeah, just another boring travel-update (don't feel obliged!)

This is my 101'st post!

Take care of yourselves and keep thinking about it all..

Marx's opium

Reminded by Rivendell45 (referring to comment left to my previous post "Catholicism") I re-read some of Vinoth Ramachandra's Gods That Fail: Modern Idolatry and Christian Mission. On my first glance-like read-through of this book, I was slightly put off by the extent of the author's vocabulary and his fluency in "-ism's." However, on my second read I found I comprehended almost all of the points put forth. Without being able to say what caused my expansion of reading comprehension, I must admit that Ramachandra manages to substantially revitalize my faith in the Christian message. If you read my last post "Sermon on our ineffectiveness..." you will have a pretty clear picture of my sentiments against the modern church's lack of relevance in 'the real world.' It seems to me that we border on letting ourselves fall directly into Marx's age-old attack of being "opium for the masses." This, Ramachandra confirms me in thinking, is quite the opposite of the Christian message, richly conveyed in scripture and by the early church fathers en masse. Take for example "the great Cappadocian Father," Basil of Ceasarea's passionate rebuke of the rich Christians,
"That bread which you keep belongs the the hungry;
That coat which you preserve in your wardrobe, to the naked;
those shoes which are rotting in your possession, to the shoe-less;
that gold which you have hidden in the ground, to the needy.
Wherefore, as often as you wer able to help other, and refused,
so often did you do them wrong."

I sat with Vinoth Ramachandra in a small meeting a couple of years ago, as the group of Christians at my school had invited him to one of our evenings. To me he seemed very harsh and uncomfortably uncompromising even down to his choice of words, but in retrospect I understand him and can only commend him for actually choosing the life-style and taking to heart the Christian message in a way that I have long dreamt of. Yes, it does inspire me.

One example of his challenges to us, which struck quite close to home with me, was his rebuke for our spending so much money on clothing when there was perfectly fine clothing in the second-hand stores down the road for a fraction of the price. It shocked me that he'd actually say it, but isn't he right? Shouldn't we also be accountable for our income versus spendings when we could easily fund relief for the millions who have no means of sustenance. Not only should we devote our money to it, we should devote our time. But to devote our time, we suddenly find we must take it a step further and devote our lives, our very beings, to carrying out the heart of God: loving those in need.

In writing this, I find that I am challenged beyond what I can bear at present time. I find myself protesting on the basis of my previous picture of my evangelical function as challenging the reigning culture in the West. Now, just this reaction makes me realise that I would relish an evangelical function in the West because it is a dream largely compatible with the comforts of the same Western lifestyle. Indeed, this shows me a glimpse of how deeply rooted in me is what Ramachandra labels the "essentially escapist gospel... simply a religious image of the secular consumerist culture in which modern men and women live." It is in this paragraph he makes the point, "it lays itself wide open the the full blast of the savage criticism of Marx and Freud."

However, the comfort for my hope of comfort can be found in that one should not choose or rule out one's evangelical function on the basis of comfort. But my problem is in my heart, that I even hope for comfort. I want to want to hope for the relief of the dying.

PS: I'm sure any author would want a disclaimer here, that if you think what I'm writing above sounds off, take it out on me. The above is not intended to be a sober summary of Vinoth Ramachandra's point, but it is my interpretation of his writings.

Sermon on our ineffectiveness against anything - especiallly injustice

I subscribe to a newsletter from a atypical Danish technology 'company' that daily sends news of technological break-throughs, big and small. A couple of days ago one of these sparked a thought which lingers.

It was about how we, humans, are putting ourselves in danger, one could fear, by developing artificial intelligence. There are, of course, still a lot of unknowns and many Christians seek comfort in the argument that machines do not have a spirit and will therefore never be able to come alive. Nevertheless, the thought is worth entertaining.

This small company described how technology is taking large strides towards developing artificial intelligence much in line with the sci-fi author, Vernor Vinge's, predictions a decade ago, describing how the gap between Homo Sapiens and 'Homo Fantasticus' probably would easily come to resemble that of the gap between man and apes. Surprisingly, though, the newsletter ends in pondering ethical views, and how super-human intelligence would treat us, with the paragraph:

"At the risk of sounding pessimistic we [man] haven't excactly showed exemplerary conduct in our roles as guardians of the planet: we are terrible at preparing ourselves for predictable natural catastrophes,... we wage wars over outdated energy sources like oil and some of us daily over-eat while millions are starving. We construct and maintain barriers that prevent growth on impoverished continents, build weapons without constructive or defensive purposes, release unfathomable amounts of toxines into nature and hold billions of livestock in torture-like conditions. If you were super-intelligent, what would you do with someone like us?"

Now, its not so much the point of the newsletter in enlightening me about the progress of tech., but rather its accurate and disturbing points of man's faults. That such a grave, albeit far from comprehensive, list of skeletons (obvious, yet hidden/ignored by ourselves) should be so easily and casually listed only enforces the point of our blaringly simple injustice towards fellow men and successors of guardianship of this earth.

Upon thinking this, I found myself asking myself the obvious question of where the church is in all this. If we ever had a popular brand it surely must be "Love your neighbour." -and what have we done with it (besides lending our neighbour our grill once a year or offering to drive their kid to soccer practice with our own..)? Instead we're raving and ranting on about melting wax mountains before "The Lord" and what-not in our private spheres [and now to the stunningly true cliché that we all hate because it so often hits dead-center but we've always heard it] and the moment "we're outside the four church walls" we are nicer, non-cussing versions of every-friggin-body else. Relevant church making any difference?

Which major historical figure was it who said that the biggest sin we commit (supposing sin comes in different sizes) is not getting into the fight, getting into the face of injustice? But how do we do that? "-uhh, well I voted for the christian party, last time!"

And yes, I do go on. What's our problem in all this? Ever hear of "Prozac Nation?" I guess the title says it all. When in Youth With A Mission, I remember being taught that the best way to immobilize an army is to give them comfortable beds, brilliant food, a cozy house and juuuust enough tiny every-day tiny tragedies to keep them distracted and feeling like they each have their share to tackle.

Its when we look beyond ourselves, that we become relevant to history. Its when we look away from ourselves that we cease to be insecure and shaky in our foundations. So, figure out what you're fighting for, how best to fight and then fight. It won't be comfy and cozy, but then again it isn't a human-right to be comfy (shock and horror, eh?!) Yes, risk your left-overs, Ivan, and I guess you'll look back time to time and realize that that makes life more like a life - meaningful and relevant.

Humans

Wow, there is not much going on in my life at the moment! I find it amazing but true.. This is not a bad thing, though. Without there always being homework to be done, worship to be prepared and people to call, I find I actually have time to consider which things are important to me and spending time doing it.

This is a whole new season in my life and I've become quite addicted to this new, simplistic, way of life. In some ways it compares to the increasingly popular 'desert-times' - life-eras without many distractions and time consuming pre-occupations. I can actively choose the elements in my life and prioritize them.

Okay, I'm repeating myself, but my point is that it is the time spent in reflection/'meditation' that matures me. Having the capacity to refuse to face the consequences of my actions, it is high time that I took time to meditate on them. This creates awareness and a more concrete foundation for future decisions - big and small. A.k.a. maturity.

Okay, I'm rambling and pretty much rephrasing an earlier post of mine..

I am the proud owner of a King James Version-bible and reading Phillipians last night got me thinking about Saint Paul's view on what we humans are made of. I've always thought body, soul and spirit. He thinks it differently. Check it out and let me know your thoughts - if you can be bothered.. ;)

Catholicism

Stirred by the first Encyclical Letter of the Pope Benedict XVI sent to me by a friend, I looked up the Vatican's homepage and was surprised, amazed and joyed to find wholesome meditations, insightful prayers and wisdom on the internet. All in a delightfully and, I think, appropriate ceremonious tone. Check it out for yourselvses!

www.vatican.va

Here's an appetizer from the abovementioned Encyclical Letter:

"How might love be experienced so that it can fully realize its human and divine promise? Here we can find a first, important indication in the Song of Songs, an Old Testament book well known to the mystics. According to the interpretation generally held today, the poems contained in this book were originally love-songs, perhaps intended for a Jewish wedding feast and meant to exalt conjugal love. In this context it is highly instructive to note that in the course of the book two different Hebrew words are used to indicate “love”. First there is the word dodim, a plural form suggesting a love that is still insecure, indeterminate and searching. This comes to be replaced by the word ahabà, which the Greek version of the Old Testament translates with the similar-sounding agape, which, as we have seen, becomes the typical expression for the biblical notion of love. By contrast with an indeterminate, “searching” love, this word expresses the experience of a love which involves a real discovery of the other, moving beyond the selfish character that prevailed earlier. Love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice."

Very culturally relevant and beautifully insightful. They don't become popes for nothing!

Marxism vs. Capitalism

I admire marxism for being so naive. Quite contrary to capitalism, marxism is fragilly dependent on the ability of every individual to take responsibility of his/her community, to see the bigger picture and to contribute constructively. In other words, the idea of marxism is founded in a belief in the good in people.

However, man's inherent egocentrism, greed and lust makes marxism impossible! That is where capitalism comes in.

Taking full advantage of the downfallen humanity, the basic idea of capitalism is that man IS egocentric, greedy and lustful. Lusting after what one's neighbour has (the 10th commandment) is a basic premise for competition, which is in turn the basic premise for the functionality of the dynamics of a free market which is the basic premise for capitalism. Ergo, the basic dynamic of capitalism is greed/lust which ties in nicely with narcisism and egocentrism.

But can a firm still build on basic biblical principles when having to function in a world driven by greed?

common misconception of sin

I've always been taught that we should repent and turn away from our sin(s), strive towards perfection and let ourselves be refined in the Refiners fire. And that is true. But what is this sin that we should turn away from? In my youth the answer was simple and obvious: wrong things we do. So life was about not doing wrong things.

I spoke to a friend recently about how this friend was struggling with sin whereto the person said, "I've just simply gotta stop [committing this sin]! I have to control my thoughts and my words!"

Now, this topic is in the grey zone as self-discipline is not to be cast out the window but what worries me is this misconception that we have to strive to do right (in our own might)! Its not like that, as a matter of fact, it was only when I stopped trying to be someone else that I found myself and was set free to find God and unburdened enough to meet others in honesty and building up good relations!

No, sin is a condition of the heart! Forget about the small things we do wrong everyday for a second. These wrong things are symptoms of your hearts condition. Don't deal with the leaves of the thistles, but dig to the root and cut away! Dig into your heart and find out who you love: God or yourself? If you love yourself you will do selfish things, place yourself above others in relations, stand on your rights, be proud and be heartless. If you love God you will reflect His set of morals and ethics without the strain of living a double life.

Thoughts of Thirst

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks,
so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
when shall I come and appear before God?"

Ps. 42:1,2

God has a way of haunting me. In YWAM [red. "Youth With A Mission" - an interdenominational short term mission organization, largely focused on youth also rumoured to be the second largest volunteer-based organisation after the Catholic Church] I learnt that I could 'in some way obtain very relevant verses of scripture by asking God if He had anything to say.' This time I flipped to this psalm.

Lately, I'm beginning to realise that my main and very central problem with God is (as expected, had I asked myself), me. Since I read Psalm 42 a couple of weeks ago I've been unsettled, drawing out time so as to avoid discomfort.

"If any man will come after me,
let him deny himself, and take up
his cross, and follow me."

Matt.16:24

Its this with the cross and the self-denial. Remarkable how humanism reacts allergically to self-denial (and so have I as of late..) but I am certain that the self-denial humanism condemns is another, unhealthy, kind of self-denial. Matt. 16:24 must be, I believe, also be read in context with, "Love your neighbour as yourself," which clearly stresses the need to love one self. Indeed, the self-denial asked for in the Bible is the exact same as that of the self-denial that is inevitable when it is in relation to love. Just notice all the people who proclaim that they would walk 500 miles and even love unto death on the FM waves.

So to summarise and clarify, I don't want the discomfort of denying myself, my lusts, my 'flesh.' I just don't want to!

But doesn't this lead onto another problem: my view of living in a way that is pleasing to God is merely a uncomfortable, perhaps painful, disciplinarily and morally motivated, dry and incredibly boring lifestyle? Its not, something keeps telling me, and I think its my immaturity making a scene of things. With 'age' must come a living for the greater picture and especially the greater picture which one's daily life tirelessly paints, yes, a lifestyle which is in accordance with the general direction of one's life. Its in this sense I refuse to believe that I'm not ageing!

The problem with this is when to make the transition to this pleasing life. Too soon, and I'm petrified of falling back into my old role with constantly trying to live up to a moral set of rules and regulations. Too late, and I'm a failure to myself and to those dependant on me.

I want it to come spontaneously and from the heart. (Wonderful cliché by the way..) I want to love God and let that be the reason for a righteous and generously self-sacrificial life. But how to start loving God?

Some time ago I wrote about surrounding myself with music and thinking of myself as a musician. Now I love music and am commited to it. I'm prepared to spend 16,000 on a guitar to let myself inspire! "Faith comes from hearing," and so, to some extent, does love.

"My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
When shall I come and appear before God?"
I feel my soul every day, thirsting, and to you who is prejudiced against faith in something outside the realm of the immediate: I have tasted and seen before and long for it again.

mark's initiative

Mark Stewart has taken initiative! He has started a.. uhh.. yeah, what would you actually call it?! The main points are to meet in a pub downtown ca. once a month plus a website (forum) to join and use as a discussion forum but also, I guess, to create overview of who the invited people are and when we're meeting etc.

I commend him for the constructive nature of his initiative. For those of you who've followed the last couple of posts, you'll be aware of the waves riding high (for some of us) as pertains to relations to the church and I believe some of us, in moments of delusions, have thought insane thoughts of how to call attention to this (apparently) increasing 'category' of people who, within the church, are dissatisfied with the focus and the direction of the reigning 'christian' culture. Mark's initiative does not offend anyone, but constructively compensates for this frustration and is thereby brilliant in its diplomacy.

It excites me to have this opportunity to chill out (I would say that that is the most appropriate and accurately descriptive term to use) with adults who share my visions and dreams in religious and personally faith-related matters. In this forum I can share my frustrations and doubts and we can discuss it together. Invited are also several of the leaders of the church which is exciting as I haven't made a habit out of small-talking with the 'big shots.' In this regard, I must concede that my sister was right (with reference to the comments of the previous post) in that I probably - no, definetly have not gone to any leaders with my troubles with the church and have therefore passed up a chance to be constructive enough about this. -although venting in this forum has been healthy for me, personally.

But yeah, summa summarum: good job, Mark! [cheers]

the same frustrations from others

I keep running into people, grown-ups who've grown up within the church, who say just the same as Mark Stewart, "Let's drop the church and meet down at Café Borgen and talk about what life is all about and how we should live it." I've just come from an hour-long conversation where the very same thing came from a different generation. So now I've heard it from teenagers, 20-23 year olds, 23-30 year old's and above. The one I talked to tonight said, "when they call people to the front for salvation, I feel like going too!" He named the names of about 12 people who meet because they are in the same boat! A thought popped into my head, that I've headed into a crisis that is apparently capable of lasting years, decades. Its a predicament, a frustration, and it makes me anxious, desperate! But what to do?

How many are we in this situation? How many just need to talk about this right now instead of being encouraged to 'come to the front?' Where is God in all of this and what is actually the root-problem to be adressed? Should we stand together in this or don't we wanna 'rock the boat?'

At least its inspired me to one of the most expressive songs I've ever written with a chorus that says, "I've heard that You are good / and I've heard that You are great / I've heard that You are mighty to save, mighty to save me today" I hope to play it one day and that it'll help someone else out there to see that they're not alone with this. Being alone with it is not a good thing.

Lyrics feedback, plz

I just wrote a new song. Kinda a 15-minute-job, but I wanna have some feedback on these lyrics, please.. [smile] The two-line part is the chorus.

Everytime I see that face
I break down and cry
When the truth finally breaks
The seas they roar in those eyes

I knew how it felt to be free
Never a worry on my mind
Some say that ignorance is bliss
'Till there's no comfort left to find

Only in that love was I truly free
Only in those arms could I really be me

They told me love was my own thing
To do with as I pleased
That it was all in how I tried
All was good if it felt right to me

Ever an arbitrary truth
Fragments spread through time
An intermittent compromising truce
Never a clearly drawn confine

elements in life / control

My life is comfortably simple right now - and I am hesitant to let anything disrupt it! My life before "now" was chaotic to say the least, wildly disorderly to say less. I have never before had the space that I do now (I own a 3-room flat, 68m² with my older brother and sister, both of which have since moved out resulting in my lone hibernation.) Not only physical space but also mental and emotional space. Why have I waited so long with settling into habits of maintaining the order of my surroundings thereby giving myself space to think and rest?

The simplicity is not only in space but also in elements. My life consists of few elements. Before I had school, the teen-group at church, the kid's group at church, music ("worship") at church, occasionally jobs, friends and family = 7 elements!
Now I have nothing to do with church, no friends, no school but I have gained myself and a job. Myself, job and family - oh, and this leaves place for creating music! [smile]

This sounds harsh, yes, I know. But nice. Simple. On top of this, I have pro-actively chosen (or approved) all the elements! Never before have I experienced this and its a wonderful feeling of being in control and actually choosing what I'm spending my time doing.

Can't wait to see what kind of chaos a re-entrance of God could possibly create! sheesh!

Revelation of Forgiveness

"Forgive:
To cease to feel resentment against, on account
of wrong committed; to give up claim to requital
from or retribution upon (an offender); to
absolve; to pardon; --said of the person
offending."
-1913 Webster

Pain caused from maltreatment is a premise for forgiveness. And let us not be naive about the magnitude of the glory of the Decision to turn away from pain and a deep desire for revenge and to accept the nauseating injustice done to one's own flesh and soul. Neither are the emotions involved in this inner battle for the soul to be downplayed, as they can be likened to the powers of nature if one's body were the Earth. Wherefore the Decision is to be likened to the calming of a storm, the convincing of a flood to retreat and the dispersing of the winds of every hurricane: everything within the Earth is closely interrelated wherefore one must assume and retain control over every element within oneself to calm the many raging storms and to draw up again the lines for every wild drop of water in the floods.

Neither must the beauty of the Decision to relinquish one's right to revenge, the ensuing rainbow and the tranquility of great grassy plains drying in the sun, be forgotten. For in making this Decision one not only exonerates the Offender from the curse of the sin commited against oneself, one also frees one's own Earth from a curse of die-hard storms resulting from nature not being in equilibrium. It is fair to say that one holds the fate of two lives when faced with the Decision.

Another beauty, which is worthy of meditation, is how forgiveness enables closure in regards to the haunted memory of the Offender.

Mercy, people, and the appreciation of it, is beautiful.

Conversations in conflict

I just had a thought but haven't the energy to think it through (formulating it always helps): is it not true that 90% of all conversations are based on disagreement? Meaning to say that if you talk to someone, you don't talk to them, you discuss something with them. Exceptions are introductions (telling about oneself) or teaching or expanding the other's horizon.

Maybe that's why I'm not good at talking to anyone past the pleasantries: I hate conflicts and I'd rather "nod and smile" my way out of them than in any way discuss something. I've tried to teach myself to be more adamant and clear headed in some point but its just spectacularly unbecoming to me.

Judge me, plz, is that good or bad (ethically, socially and professionally)?